Enough is never enough

Enough is never enough: Nothing will knock you down quicker than offering the best of yourself to someone and it still not being good enough. Too much of a good thing is not great, it’s just, not enough. not nearly enough, ever.

More!! I do know this feeling, desire, longing, wanting, the ache of my heart, mind, and soul, or so it seems. When people want to distance you, overlook your love, and walk upon you when they have hurt you, and you’re still there. That’s enough proof for you to empty your heart and believe your mind and walk away.

The insatiable appetite for fun, sexiness, good times, the rush, the high, the buzz…

Stopping drink and drugs did not stop my longing, did not stop my desire for the party to never end.

It did not end my need for more validation, more love, to be skinnier, prettier, smarter, more admired… even this list is never-ending, there’s not enough space for the not-enoughness.

The craving mind is never satisfied. My mind’s thirst for knowledge was never quenched. I could write here at length about the neuroscience of the “not enoughness” but still it doesn’t stop.

What happens when more is not enough..?

In my case it meant a steep fall over the cliff, waking up bruised and ashamed, lost, lost dignity, loss of love, self-love, self-respect.

These days, so long as I don’t take my DOC, drug of choice, I’m ok. Ok is a long way from great though.

My deep desire and longing have taken me on some crazy life adventures, of both my outer and inner world; across the globe, and deep into my soul.

I thank my craving mind. It’s part of humanness, my love of life, my ache, and my thirst for really tasting life’s sweetness.

I also thank my mind for helping me come back to my heart and soul and finding enoughness inside myself, inside the precious child I was born as, and the woman I now am.

I thank my kindred souls, who if they happen across this post, will likely understand the depth of my feelings, both the sweetness and the pain of seemingly endless desire.

I’m writing this post, experiencing just a taste of my old longing because I’m very tired.

I’m simply exhausted by the beauty and fullness of my life now and not sleeping enough. Resting though, and this too, this feeling, shall pass.

I felt the need to share, to connect with others that understand my feelings and knows also how wonderful it is to feel understood. And also as a reminder, we do recover.