A voice from deep inside screams silently but loudly.
That familiar feeling, the deep pain, I am transported instantly back to my childhood, I am there, I’m four, a storm is raging in the ocean, the wind whipping up the sand stinging my legs, the sky is ferrous, people screaming, I can’t find my mum and scream out for her helplessly for hours, a scared small child.
Years later, “It’s over, I’m canceling the wedding, we’re over, no” Left, alone, scared, feeling abandoned. I collapse to the floor. I’m back there, 4 years old again. Except this time I self sooth with vodka.
The bottle used to ease this pain.
Humans greatest need for survival is secure attachment. Full stop. This need trumps our need for food, as studies have proved, by a long shot.
It’s possible to heal from trauma and addiction but it does take a deep commitment and work. Trauma reprocessing and neuroplasticity give evidence to the bodies incredible capability to heal.
Over time I’ve learnt that my trauma over abandonment caused me to abandon myself. Doing the work now I’m gifted with powerful insights that better my entire life.
These days I can still feel triggered but my system is not highjacked, I don’t need to drink, I can allow the emotions to be felt, recognised, allowed and let go. I am safe. I am happy. All is well in my world.
If you’ve suffered complex trauma, personally I can’t help you with this but I can certainly connect you with an expert. As a Recovery Coach I can also support. Dm me if you’d like a connection.